Lessons I've learned....

The other day I was going through my journals and I got a good laugh. it is so interesting to see the things we write about and want to remember. or dont want to remember. It seemed like my heart was broken over boys like every 5 minutes, and i moved on to someone new just about as quick! As time goes by, struggles changed and it was kind of fun to see how i managed situations. There was one thing that stuck out to me as an adult. Basically my whole adult life i've struggled with PCOS...and reading through there are alot of things i learned and wanted to share. They can pretty much be applied to most things in life. 

Don't Give Up

 No matter what you do in life please do not give up. There are so many times I have looked at my situation and thought "I CAN'T DO THIS!" there isn't a cure to PCOS and it causes a lot of issues with the body. SO, in other words it is like a goat head being stuck in your toe and it just doesn't go away. But here's the thing....THERE IS ALWAYS A SOLUTION. There is always a remedy to make things better. For me Diet, exercise, and a good dose of hormones every day is key. It makes my crazy go dormant. It makes the anxiety and depression almost non existent, it helps me be my normal self. i think clearly, my mood is under control, and i have SO MUCH ENERGY! Every single person has a solution for their struggles. BUT it takes you. It takes your heart and determination to fight for yourself. it isn't always easy, and it isn't always fun, but you can do it! I'm lucky to have a husband who has shown me what persistence and determination can achieve. I have watched him move mountains and achieve the unachievable because he NEVER GAVE UP! Surround yourself with positive people who encourage and uplift. That is something that has helped me to keep my chin up and knowing that it will all be worth it in the end. 

People Aren't Always Nice

Again, this is something that can relate to any situation. I struggle with infertility ( a symptom of PCOS) and whether people know it or not, sometimes they are flat out rude. A Lot of times people don't realize that what they have said is hurtful or a sensitive subject. BUT i have encountered people who were intentionally rude and insensitive.   One thing i have learned is to try to let it roll off my back. It isn't always easy....Especially when your hormones are crazy and you really don't have a grip on the fact that maybe it wasn't meant to be rude.i have noticed that whether it has to do with the infertility or not, there are some people out there who just aren't nice people.  Growing up my mom always said "KILL THEM WITH KINDNESS" so it is something i've tried to apply. if someone isn't nice i have tried so hard to try to be kind to them whether they are being mean on purpose or unknowingly. AND LET ME TELL YOU, i really do know a few people who are rude just because they can be. I might come off stupid because i smile and am nice, but it is really just my coping method for not knocking your teeth out. Kindness is key. When I'm sad or have hurt feelings, the one thing that has helped the most is to get out and serve others. I feel so much better when i'm trying to help others who need a smile more than I do. 

People don't like to hear about your problems

It's true. It sucks, and it's true. I have been in groups of people talking about planning their families and when the question comes to me, i've taken two approaches. CAN you guess what approach didn't make everyone awkward and silent? that's right the approach to pretend my life is perfect and i don't have fertility issues. I understand, it's a deep topic. people get awkward and don't know what to say. honestly here's some advice, if you encounter someone who has these issues I KNOW IT'S HARD but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not get awkward. i don't know if i speak for everyone, but i'd like to be included in conversations and i want to feel like a normal person. don't avoid people if you know that they have struggles. Honestly, there is something therapeutic about talking to someone about your struggles. I truly believe that if we all stopped to listen, or reach out to someone we know is struggling the world would be a better place and your own burdens seem lighter. ALSO, BAM! you made a friend. so I guess what i'm saying is, we need hear problems, we need to care, and we should reach out. it truly is healing. 

Life Goes On

Life goes on. We can choose to sit and constantly feel bad about our problems, or we can try to make life worth living. I have been on both sides. I have had times where i chose to sit and mope about my weight, infertility, facial hair ( yes it is a symptom and i joke about it a lot which means it is my least favorite symptom....even worse than the infertility) and chronic fatigue. Last year I started having really bad issues. I could barely get out of bed, i had no energy and instead of heading straight to the doctor i spent the WHOLE SUMMER feeling bad about it. When I finally put my big girl pants on and went to the doctor guess what? i found a solution. I found hope that things could get better, and they did. When I say that life goes on, i don't mean forget about it, I mean try to make the best of what you have going. Right now, I want to be a millionaire in a big fancy mansion driving a range rover full of kids. BUT HEY! that isn't my reality right now, and probably wont ever reach the millionaire status...but the time is passing and i can make the best of what i have. some days it is hard  to feel like i should be farther along in life, but right now my life is pretty awesome and I SHOULD BE MAKING THE BEST OF IT. 

Have Patience 

I am probably not the best person to talk about patience. If you ask my parents they will joke that i was probably their most impatient child. I always wanted to be older, I always wanted to have everything NOW! for me, if i know i want something and am going to have it...why not get it now? that has been my mind set my whole life i think. BUT everything happens when it is supposed to. I am MORMON and I LOVE IT. and one thing we have learned is that God has a plan for all of us. there is perfect timing and everything is in his time and not ours. SOOOOO naturally i should just trust in that right? well, im human, and i still struggle. NOT EVERYTHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN RIGHT NOW. Having patience is so hard, but it is worth it. Sometimes there are lessons to be learned or changes in opinion before things can happen. One time i thought i wanted something really badly. I thought I would die with out it. Eventually i realized that it wasn't actually what i wanted, and if i would have gone that route my life would have been SO SO SO SO hard. TIMING is key and sometimes time is all we need to realize that there are better things if we wait. It is so hard, but let me tell you...it is so worth it. 

Surround Yourself with Great People

The last thing i will tell you is to surround yourself with great people! I have been a lucky girl, and have had some pretty amazing people in and out of my life. The people we surround ourselves with can make or break us. I have figured out that there are some people who uplift us and make us feel good, and then there are people who don't. If someone makes you feel bad, you don't have to be their friend. You should still be nice, but you don't have to be BFFS. i have tried to teach my 4 year old this very thing. I have tried this out in my life lately and there is such a difference. Right now i have friends who always encourage, and help me see the best in myself. And i've realized that this is what i want out of life. I want to be around people who push me to be better in a positive way. People who compliment rather than tear down, and people who help you see your true potential. 

The Past few years I feel like I've grown as a person so much. I have been pushed out of my comfort zone and challenged. Life isn't supposed to be any other way. How could we grow if we aren't being challenged? How could we know happiness if we didn't know pain? How could we get what we want if we didn't know what we didn't want? Lessons are hard but essential to get us through this crazy life. If you made it to the end of my rambling, and very grammatically errored novel I challenge you to reach out to someone today and be kind, be a listening ear, be a friend that someone needs, or do an act of service you know someone needs. It really will make the world a better place 

Update

I love my people. I could probably just post pictures and leave it at that because I really love my people. They are what get me through the day and literally evoke every emotion in me. They are just what I need. Carson is growing up way too fast. It seems like he was born a few days ago, not Four years! How did that time go by so quickly?! He is so smart and I feel like I could fill journals and journals of the hilarious stuff he comes up with. He is creative and passionate and he loves to make people laugh. I think that is a quality he gets from his Dad. Micah lives to make me laugh. If I'm upset he won't quit until he makes me laugh. Sometimes it is so annoying, but it is what I need in my life. Micah and Carson are quite the pair. It is amazing to see what a role model Micah is to Carson. He literally thinks Micah is cooler than any super hero. If you know Carson, that is a HUGE deal. Carson had his primary program a few weeks ago, and he got to sit by our new Bishop. I was so embarrassed because the whole time Carson sat and picked his nose!! After I asked how he felt things went, and he said, "I like our new Bishop, but he didn't want to help me pick my nose!" I almost died laughing and had to explain why he didn't help him. Carson also started preschool this year and is loving it. 

Micah has just been working and going to school. He always tells me his life isn't very exciting, which right now it probably isn't, but Carson and I are so grateful for all the sacrifices he makes to better himself and our family. We couldn't survive with out him. He makes us laugh and makes sure we are always taken care of. 

I have been having health issues all summer! It has been a bummer. I think things are finally starting to normalize and I'm starting to feel better. I am super thankful for modern medicine and Good Doctors. I am so grateful for all the prayers from friends and family because I have felt them and I know that the power of prayer is real. I am so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life.  I am excited for Christmas and obviously my birthday and Thanksgiving. There is just something about this time of year that makes me so happy. I love Fall, and I love winter until Christmas is over. I love leaves, pumpkin, glitter, warm fires, sweaters, decorations, Hallowen, Thanksgiving, Christmas, lights, trees, family, and service. I feel like this time of year brings out the most beautiful things and the best in people. 

Healing

How do we begin to heal? It's a long process that sometimes seems like it will never end. In a way it doesn't. Life is full of trails that we are constantly overcoming. But some wounds are deeper than others. Some seem as though they wont ever heal. I've had experiences in my life that seemed so dramatic and surreal that my life felt like a movie. I've overcome physical weakness, emotional weakness, and social weaknesses. The most amazing part of it is how I got through it and came out a stronger better person. The past 8 months I've been hiding. I've been hiding in a dark cave of self pity, anxiety, and hate. I hate to admit that. I hate to admit that I let something like that take over and run my life. It's hard when people shut you out and don't let you express your feelings. It's hard when someone assassinates your character and leaves you defenseless and exposed. How do you separate yourself from those people who constantly tear you down and make you feel weak? Its' hard, especially when it is those who are closest to you. As humans we expect a lot from people. We like to be right and have things go our way. There are some people who like to manipulate and control situations by making people feel guilty. They threaten, tear down, and shut out in order to prove a point. This isn't healthy, and in my opinion is abusive. I've been working on forgiving and healing but it's hard. Its hard to find an open space in my heart to forgive when someone doesn't believe they are in the wrong. It's hard to give give give and have someone think you've never gave anything. Its hard to offer unconditional love and hospitality and for that to not be enough. It's hard to work hard on building a relationship and have it torn to pieces in an instant. I know and understand that there are always difficult people. Sometimes I feel like I am one. I am a firecracker and like to make sure my voice is heard. I have had to face those consequences my whole life, but once I learned to control the "fire" it has benefited my life so much. What happens when those people take away your voice? do you let them? Do you surrender something that defines who you are to make 2 or 3 people happy? I can't. I know who I am, and I love who I am. I love who I have fought to become. All of my trails have shaped who I am. I worked hard to become the person I am today. So today I'm picking up the pieces that have shattered over this past year. I'm slowly working on forgiving and moving on. I can't let a few bitter unhappy people define me and make me bitter and unhappy. As humans we were divinely designed to be happy. Heavenly Father has a plan for us and part of that plan is happiness. I have a beautiful little family, and wonderful hard working husband who loves me, and a handsome little boy who is a blessing beyond measure.

This boy. 

He is the light of our life. I can't really remember what life was like before he joined our family. I think life must have been pretty bland. I've decided parenting is like a choose your own adventure book, but we aren't the ones choosing the adventures. We are the ones holding on tight making sure we all survive through the day. My whole entire life I dreamed of being a mom. I wanted to have lots of babies and stay home and be their super awesome mommy. One thing i for sure didn't plan on was the heartbreaking trail of infertility. I think one thing that makes this little boy so special to us is all the prayers and love that brought him here. Now he is almost 4 and every single night he prays for a sister and a dog. Some nights it breaks my mamma heart, and some nights it brings so much peace to my soul that he has such great faith and patience, that he continues to pray for it every single night. Some days I wish that I could have the faith, love, and understanding of my 3 year old. He forgives in an instant, loves without hesitation, and has a faith that is beyond my comprehension. I'm not sure how I lucked out and was chosen to be his mom, but my heart is eternally grateful that I did. 

I haven't been blogging for the past year. Part of me got lazy, and part of me just felt like my whole blog would be a list of complaints. Last year Micah got a great job, lost that job, we started to buy a house and then had to back out because said job was lost, he found a fantastic job and things were going great and then a few dramatic things happened around Christmas, I got into a terrible wreck, and my anxiety spiraled out of control. I think we have moved out of the splash zone for a while and have had pretty normal lives the past few months. Although life is in no way perfect, I feel like the growth we have made as a family in the past year is tremendous. We are never prepared for the trails and hardships that we go through, but one thing I have learned is to rely on my Heavenly Father for strength and comfort. Life is so beautifully amazing and I plan on enjoying every single second of it and embracing the changes and trails that come our way.  

Family Update

It's been a while since I blogged. It has been a crazy year for our family. Micah took a new job that would move us to Utah, and we decided to buy a house. 2 days before we closed on the house Micah was called in for a meeting at his work and found out they wouldn't have enough work for him. So Micah lost his job and we weren't able to close on our house. Since that day we have received so many blessings. Micah was able to find an amazing job within a week. We found the perfect house to rent for our family only 3 miles away from his office. But honestly, that week Micah didn't have a job was really hard. It was scary that something that seemed so secure and legitimate could just end so quickly. We went to the temple a lot that week, and said probably a million prayers. I really feel that we were directed where we needed to be. I'm so excited to be living in Boise. We absolutely love being close to friends and family. Micah is LOVING his new job! He loves the people he works with and is overall a lot happier now with his employment than I've seen in a long time. Carson and I love the area we live in! We are like .4 miles from a park that has walking paths and lots of open room to run, and of course super awesome toys! Carson loves his new house! He tells me like 10 times a day. He has had some behavior issues since we moved but I think that's pretty normal. His favorite time of day is his evening pool time. He loves to play Star Wars, tell outrageous stories, play with his friends, build with Legos, sing to every song on the radio, play hide and seek with daddy, and go for walks with mommy. His favorite food is anything with noodles, and orange chicken. His favorite color used to be green but when we played candy land the other day he told me it was red. He still loves to wear his boots because he thinks he is a superhero when he wears them. I am seriously so grateful for my little family! I have been working hard on getting my body back into shape so I can hopefully get pregnant (and have it stick) again with in the next year. Carson keeps begging for a sister, so I guess we hope if it happens it's a girl! Haha! So I am working really hard for good things to happen!

 

Idaho

We have been living in Idaho for almost 3 months now! What?? Yes, we had quite the change for our little family. Micah had been considering a job for quite some time, and finally took the opportunity. We are living with my parents in Idaho for now while we are in the process of buying our families first home! Buying a house is pretty stressful! I absolutely love our realtor! She has helped us so much and gone above and beyond what I'm sure normal realtors do! But I think I'll be stressed until we actually close on our house!! Life this year has seemed to move so quickly! I feel like it was just January!! And here we are halfway through May!! This is seriously my favorite time of year because I love being outdoors! Idaho has given us some beautiful weather while we have been here! Carson absolutely LOVES being outside! He will do anything to go play in the back yard! Good thing the house we are buying has a big back yard and play structure! Last night we went out and walked at lake Lowell with Micah's mom and Carson was running as fast as he could and yelled, "this is wonderful!!" He is the funniest kid i know and sometimes wonder where he comes up with some of the stuff he says! He loves to talk, and surprise! Go to nursery! He can sing all  3 verses of I Am A Child of God, he knows his ABC's and can count to 10. We have been working on writing letters and numbers but he is kind of a stubborn kid! His favorite color is green like Luke's light saber, and his favorite movie is ghostbusters. His favorite shape is a diamond square, which means he can't decide if it's a diamond or a square!! I seriously love this kid even though sometimes he drives me completely crazy! I am so lucky to have my little family! 

2016

I can't believe it is already 2016!! 2015 was a blur for me, but it was a wonderful year! We got to visit family, and family came to visit us. We had lots of fun and we learned a lot. 2015 was definitely a learning and growing year for our family and myself. We wanted to better ourselves and looking back we did, which makes looking forward so much more exciting. Growing isn't always easy or fun though. We had some rough patches but those are usually what gets us through to the good stuff right? I learned a lot about myself last year. I learned I'm a lot stronger than I think, and I can do anything I put my mind to. I learned a lot about my health, and what I need to do to take control of my PCOS. It's not something I can do on my own, and I definitely need a lot of support from family and friends. This year I'm not going to give up when I don't reach my goals right away. I realized I can be fat and depressed, or happy and hopeful. I'm choosing happy and hopeful for 2016. Last year President Utchdorf gave a talk called, " A Summer with Great Aunt Rose." it was an amazing talk. This paragraph particularly stuck out to me.
 "I didn’t want my forever to be composed of dark and fearful ‘Nows.’ And I didn’t want to live in the gloom of a bunker, gritting my teeth, closing my eyes, and resentfully enduring to the bitter end. Faith gave me the hope I needed to live joyfully now!”
I choose joy this year. I choose to have faith and hope that things will work out for our family. I have hope that I will be able to have more kids, and that I will eventually get to live closer to family again. Even though I have super hard days I can choose to find joy and serve those around me who may be having just as hard of time as I am. I know that the power of prayer is real. Last year I experienced so much comfort and blessings from relying on my Heavenly Father. My prayers may not have been answered how I thought they should be, but he really did know what I needed more than I did.

Update on Carson:

Carson is the big 2! He is so active now and loves to play basketball, and football, and soccer. He has a fantastic arm may I add, so maybe we have a future quarterback on our hands. We will see! He loves music. He is a great singer, and he loves any music with a good beat! He likes to play guitars with his daddy. He loves super heros, dinosaurs, and monsters. It depends on the day which one is his favorite. He really loves star wars! We got him some light sabers for Christmas but he becomes a crazy person and I'm pretty sure really thinks he's darth Vader so....the light sabers are in the top of the closet for now.  Carson can talk up a storm. It is so cool, you can Pretty much have a normal conversation with him. He is a really smart boy! We are so blessed to have him. He is growing up so fast!! I'm excited to see what this year holds for our family. ❤