Lessons I've learned....

The other day I was going through my journals and I got a good laugh. it is so interesting to see the things we write about and want to remember. or dont want to remember. It seemed like my heart was broken over boys like every 5 minutes, and i moved on to someone new just about as quick! As time goes by, struggles changed and it was kind of fun to see how i managed situations. There was one thing that stuck out to me as an adult. Basically my whole adult life i've struggled with PCOS...and reading through there are alot of things i learned and wanted to share. They can pretty much be applied to most things in life. 

Don't Give Up

 No matter what you do in life please do not give up. There are so many times I have looked at my situation and thought "I CAN'T DO THIS!" there isn't a cure to PCOS and it causes a lot of issues with the body. SO, in other words it is like a goat head being stuck in your toe and it just doesn't go away. But here's the thing....THERE IS ALWAYS A SOLUTION. There is always a remedy to make things better. For me Diet, exercise, and a good dose of hormones every day is key. It makes my crazy go dormant. It makes the anxiety and depression almost non existent, it helps me be my normal self. i think clearly, my mood is under control, and i have SO MUCH ENERGY! Every single person has a solution for their struggles. BUT it takes you. It takes your heart and determination to fight for yourself. it isn't always easy, and it isn't always fun, but you can do it! I'm lucky to have a husband who has shown me what persistence and determination can achieve. I have watched him move mountains and achieve the unachievable because he NEVER GAVE UP! Surround yourself with positive people who encourage and uplift. That is something that has helped me to keep my chin up and knowing that it will all be worth it in the end. 

People Aren't Always Nice

Again, this is something that can relate to any situation. I struggle with infertility ( a symptom of PCOS) and whether people know it or not, sometimes they are flat out rude. A Lot of times people don't realize that what they have said is hurtful or a sensitive subject. BUT i have encountered people who were intentionally rude and insensitive.   One thing i have learned is to try to let it roll off my back. It isn't always easy....Especially when your hormones are crazy and you really don't have a grip on the fact that maybe it wasn't meant to be rude.i have noticed that whether it has to do with the infertility or not, there are some people out there who just aren't nice people.  Growing up my mom always said "KILL THEM WITH KINDNESS" so it is something i've tried to apply. if someone isn't nice i have tried so hard to try to be kind to them whether they are being mean on purpose or unknowingly. AND LET ME TELL YOU, i really do know a few people who are rude just because they can be. I might come off stupid because i smile and am nice, but it is really just my coping method for not knocking your teeth out. Kindness is key. When I'm sad or have hurt feelings, the one thing that has helped the most is to get out and serve others. I feel so much better when i'm trying to help others who need a smile more than I do. 

People don't like to hear about your problems

It's true. It sucks, and it's true. I have been in groups of people talking about planning their families and when the question comes to me, i've taken two approaches. CAN you guess what approach didn't make everyone awkward and silent? that's right the approach to pretend my life is perfect and i don't have fertility issues. I understand, it's a deep topic. people get awkward and don't know what to say. honestly here's some advice, if you encounter someone who has these issues I KNOW IT'S HARD but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not get awkward. i don't know if i speak for everyone, but i'd like to be included in conversations and i want to feel like a normal person. don't avoid people if you know that they have struggles. Honestly, there is something therapeutic about talking to someone about your struggles. I truly believe that if we all stopped to listen, or reach out to someone we know is struggling the world would be a better place and your own burdens seem lighter. ALSO, BAM! you made a friend. so I guess what i'm saying is, we need hear problems, we need to care, and we should reach out. it truly is healing. 

Life Goes On

Life goes on. We can choose to sit and constantly feel bad about our problems, or we can try to make life worth living. I have been on both sides. I have had times where i chose to sit and mope about my weight, infertility, facial hair ( yes it is a symptom and i joke about it a lot which means it is my least favorite symptom....even worse than the infertility) and chronic fatigue. Last year I started having really bad issues. I could barely get out of bed, i had no energy and instead of heading straight to the doctor i spent the WHOLE SUMMER feeling bad about it. When I finally put my big girl pants on and went to the doctor guess what? i found a solution. I found hope that things could get better, and they did. When I say that life goes on, i don't mean forget about it, I mean try to make the best of what you have going. Right now, I want to be a millionaire in a big fancy mansion driving a range rover full of kids. BUT HEY! that isn't my reality right now, and probably wont ever reach the millionaire status...but the time is passing and i can make the best of what i have. some days it is hard  to feel like i should be farther along in life, but right now my life is pretty awesome and I SHOULD BE MAKING THE BEST OF IT. 

Have Patience 

I am probably not the best person to talk about patience. If you ask my parents they will joke that i was probably their most impatient child. I always wanted to be older, I always wanted to have everything NOW! for me, if i know i want something and am going to have it...why not get it now? that has been my mind set my whole life i think. BUT everything happens when it is supposed to. I am MORMON and I LOVE IT. and one thing we have learned is that God has a plan for all of us. there is perfect timing and everything is in his time and not ours. SOOOOO naturally i should just trust in that right? well, im human, and i still struggle. NOT EVERYTHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN RIGHT NOW. Having patience is so hard, but it is worth it. Sometimes there are lessons to be learned or changes in opinion before things can happen. One time i thought i wanted something really badly. I thought I would die with out it. Eventually i realized that it wasn't actually what i wanted, and if i would have gone that route my life would have been SO SO SO SO hard. TIMING is key and sometimes time is all we need to realize that there are better things if we wait. It is so hard, but let me tell you...it is so worth it. 

Surround Yourself with Great People

The last thing i will tell you is to surround yourself with great people! I have been a lucky girl, and have had some pretty amazing people in and out of my life. The people we surround ourselves with can make or break us. I have figured out that there are some people who uplift us and make us feel good, and then there are people who don't. If someone makes you feel bad, you don't have to be their friend. You should still be nice, but you don't have to be BFFS. i have tried to teach my 4 year old this very thing. I have tried this out in my life lately and there is such a difference. Right now i have friends who always encourage, and help me see the best in myself. And i've realized that this is what i want out of life. I want to be around people who push me to be better in a positive way. People who compliment rather than tear down, and people who help you see your true potential. 

The Past few years I feel like I've grown as a person so much. I have been pushed out of my comfort zone and challenged. Life isn't supposed to be any other way. How could we grow if we aren't being challenged? How could we know happiness if we didn't know pain? How could we get what we want if we didn't know what we didn't want? Lessons are hard but essential to get us through this crazy life. If you made it to the end of my rambling, and very grammatically errored novel I challenge you to reach out to someone today and be kind, be a listening ear, be a friend that someone needs, or do an act of service you know someone needs. It really will make the world a better place 

Update

I love my people. I could probably just post pictures and leave it at that because I really love my people. They are what get me through the day and literally evoke every emotion in me. They are just what I need. Carson is growing up way too fast. It seems like he was born a few days ago, not Four years! How did that time go by so quickly?! He is so smart and I feel like I could fill journals and journals of the hilarious stuff he comes up with. He is creative and passionate and he loves to make people laugh. I think that is a quality he gets from his Dad. Micah lives to make me laugh. If I'm upset he won't quit until he makes me laugh. Sometimes it is so annoying, but it is what I need in my life. Micah and Carson are quite the pair. It is amazing to see what a role model Micah is to Carson. He literally thinks Micah is cooler than any super hero. If you know Carson, that is a HUGE deal. Carson had his primary program a few weeks ago, and he got to sit by our new Bishop. I was so embarrassed because the whole time Carson sat and picked his nose!! After I asked how he felt things went, and he said, "I like our new Bishop, but he didn't want to help me pick my nose!" I almost died laughing and had to explain why he didn't help him. Carson also started preschool this year and is loving it. 

Micah has just been working and going to school. He always tells me his life isn't very exciting, which right now it probably isn't, but Carson and I are so grateful for all the sacrifices he makes to better himself and our family. We couldn't survive with out him. He makes us laugh and makes sure we are always taken care of. 

I have been having health issues all summer! It has been a bummer. I think things are finally starting to normalize and I'm starting to feel better. I am super thankful for modern medicine and Good Doctors. I am so grateful for all the prayers from friends and family because I have felt them and I know that the power of prayer is real. I am so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life.  I am excited for Christmas and obviously my birthday and Thanksgiving. There is just something about this time of year that makes me so happy. I love Fall, and I love winter until Christmas is over. I love leaves, pumpkin, glitter, warm fires, sweaters, decorations, Hallowen, Thanksgiving, Christmas, lights, trees, family, and service. I feel like this time of year brings out the most beautiful things and the best in people. 

Healing

How do we begin to heal? It's a long process that sometimes seems like it will never end. In a way it doesn't. Life is full of trails that we are constantly overcoming. But some wounds are deeper than others. Some seem as though they wont ever heal. I've had experiences in my life that seemed so dramatic and surreal that my life felt like a movie. I've overcome physical weakness, emotional weakness, and social weaknesses. The most amazing part of it is how I got through it and came out a stronger better person. The past 8 months I've been hiding. I've been hiding in a dark cave of self pity, anxiety, and hate. I hate to admit that. I hate to admit that I let something like that take over and run my life. It's hard when people shut you out and don't let you express your feelings. It's hard when someone assassinates your character and leaves you defenseless and exposed. How do you separate yourself from those people who constantly tear you down and make you feel weak? Its' hard, especially when it is those who are closest to you. As humans we expect a lot from people. We like to be right and have things go our way. There are some people who like to manipulate and control situations by making people feel guilty. They threaten, tear down, and shut out in order to prove a point. This isn't healthy, and in my opinion is abusive. I've been working on forgiving and healing but it's hard. Its hard to find an open space in my heart to forgive when someone doesn't believe they are in the wrong. It's hard to give give give and have someone think you've never gave anything. Its hard to offer unconditional love and hospitality and for that to not be enough. It's hard to work hard on building a relationship and have it torn to pieces in an instant. I know and understand that there are always difficult people. Sometimes I feel like I am one. I am a firecracker and like to make sure my voice is heard. I have had to face those consequences my whole life, but once I learned to control the "fire" it has benefited my life so much. What happens when those people take away your voice? do you let them? Do you surrender something that defines who you are to make 2 or 3 people happy? I can't. I know who I am, and I love who I am. I love who I have fought to become. All of my trails have shaped who I am. I worked hard to become the person I am today. So today I'm picking up the pieces that have shattered over this past year. I'm slowly working on forgiving and moving on. I can't let a few bitter unhappy people define me and make me bitter and unhappy. As humans we were divinely designed to be happy. Heavenly Father has a plan for us and part of that plan is happiness. I have a beautiful little family, and wonderful hard working husband who loves me, and a handsome little boy who is a blessing beyond measure.

This boy. 

He is the light of our life. I can't really remember what life was like before he joined our family. I think life must have been pretty bland. I've decided parenting is like a choose your own adventure book, but we aren't the ones choosing the adventures. We are the ones holding on tight making sure we all survive through the day. My whole entire life I dreamed of being a mom. I wanted to have lots of babies and stay home and be their super awesome mommy. One thing i for sure didn't plan on was the heartbreaking trail of infertility. I think one thing that makes this little boy so special to us is all the prayers and love that brought him here. Now he is almost 4 and every single night he prays for a sister and a dog. Some nights it breaks my mamma heart, and some nights it brings so much peace to my soul that he has such great faith and patience, that he continues to pray for it every single night. Some days I wish that I could have the faith, love, and understanding of my 3 year old. He forgives in an instant, loves without hesitation, and has a faith that is beyond my comprehension. I'm not sure how I lucked out and was chosen to be his mom, but my heart is eternally grateful that I did. 

I haven't been blogging for the past year. Part of me got lazy, and part of me just felt like my whole blog would be a list of complaints. Last year Micah got a great job, lost that job, we started to buy a house and then had to back out because said job was lost, he found a fantastic job and things were going great and then a few dramatic things happened around Christmas, I got into a terrible wreck, and my anxiety spiraled out of control. I think we have moved out of the splash zone for a while and have had pretty normal lives the past few months. Although life is in no way perfect, I feel like the growth we have made as a family in the past year is tremendous. We are never prepared for the trails and hardships that we go through, but one thing I have learned is to rely on my Heavenly Father for strength and comfort. Life is so beautifully amazing and I plan on enjoying every single second of it and embracing the changes and trails that come our way.  

Family Update

It's been a while since I blogged. It has been a crazy year for our family. Micah took a new job that would move us to Utah, and we decided to buy a house. 2 days before we closed on the house Micah was called in for a meeting at his work and found out they wouldn't have enough work for him. So Micah lost his job and we weren't able to close on our house. Since that day we have received so many blessings. Micah was able to find an amazing job within a week. We found the perfect house to rent for our family only 3 miles away from his office. But honestly, that week Micah didn't have a job was really hard. It was scary that something that seemed so secure and legitimate could just end so quickly. We went to the temple a lot that week, and said probably a million prayers. I really feel that we were directed where we needed to be. I'm so excited to be living in Boise. We absolutely love being close to friends and family. Micah is LOVING his new job! He loves the people he works with and is overall a lot happier now with his employment than I've seen in a long time. Carson and I love the area we live in! We are like .4 miles from a park that has walking paths and lots of open room to run, and of course super awesome toys! Carson loves his new house! He tells me like 10 times a day. He has had some behavior issues since we moved but I think that's pretty normal. His favorite time of day is his evening pool time. He loves to play Star Wars, tell outrageous stories, play with his friends, build with Legos, sing to every song on the radio, play hide and seek with daddy, and go for walks with mommy. His favorite food is anything with noodles, and orange chicken. His favorite color used to be green but when we played candy land the other day he told me it was red. He still loves to wear his boots because he thinks he is a superhero when he wears them. I am seriously so grateful for my little family! I have been working hard on getting my body back into shape so I can hopefully get pregnant (and have it stick) again with in the next year. Carson keeps begging for a sister, so I guess we hope if it happens it's a girl! Haha! So I am working really hard for good things to happen!

 

Idaho

We have been living in Idaho for almost 3 months now! What?? Yes, we had quite the change for our little family. Micah had been considering a job for quite some time, and finally took the opportunity. We are living with my parents in Idaho for now while we are in the process of buying our families first home! Buying a house is pretty stressful! I absolutely love our realtor! She has helped us so much and gone above and beyond what I'm sure normal realtors do! But I think I'll be stressed until we actually close on our house!! Life this year has seemed to move so quickly! I feel like it was just January!! And here we are halfway through May!! This is seriously my favorite time of year because I love being outdoors! Idaho has given us some beautiful weather while we have been here! Carson absolutely LOVES being outside! He will do anything to go play in the back yard! Good thing the house we are buying has a big back yard and play structure! Last night we went out and walked at lake Lowell with Micah's mom and Carson was running as fast as he could and yelled, "this is wonderful!!" He is the funniest kid i know and sometimes wonder where he comes up with some of the stuff he says! He loves to talk, and surprise! Go to nursery! He can sing all  3 verses of I Am A Child of God, he knows his ABC's and can count to 10. We have been working on writing letters and numbers but he is kind of a stubborn kid! His favorite color is green like Luke's light saber, and his favorite movie is ghostbusters. His favorite shape is a diamond square, which means he can't decide if it's a diamond or a square!! I seriously love this kid even though sometimes he drives me completely crazy! I am so lucky to have my little family! 

2016

I can't believe it is already 2016!! 2015 was a blur for me, but it was a wonderful year! We got to visit family, and family came to visit us. We had lots of fun and we learned a lot. 2015 was definitely a learning and growing year for our family and myself. We wanted to better ourselves and looking back we did, which makes looking forward so much more exciting. Growing isn't always easy or fun though. We had some rough patches but those are usually what gets us through to the good stuff right? I learned a lot about myself last year. I learned I'm a lot stronger than I think, and I can do anything I put my mind to. I learned a lot about my health, and what I need to do to take control of my PCOS. It's not something I can do on my own, and I definitely need a lot of support from family and friends. This year I'm not going to give up when I don't reach my goals right away. I realized I can be fat and depressed, or happy and hopeful. I'm choosing happy and hopeful for 2016. Last year President Utchdorf gave a talk called, " A Summer with Great Aunt Rose." it was an amazing talk. This paragraph particularly stuck out to me.
 "I didn’t want my forever to be composed of dark and fearful ‘Nows.’ And I didn’t want to live in the gloom of a bunker, gritting my teeth, closing my eyes, and resentfully enduring to the bitter end. Faith gave me the hope I needed to live joyfully now!”
I choose joy this year. I choose to have faith and hope that things will work out for our family. I have hope that I will be able to have more kids, and that I will eventually get to live closer to family again. Even though I have super hard days I can choose to find joy and serve those around me who may be having just as hard of time as I am. I know that the power of prayer is real. Last year I experienced so much comfort and blessings from relying on my Heavenly Father. My prayers may not have been answered how I thought they should be, but he really did know what I needed more than I did.

Update on Carson:

Carson is the big 2! He is so active now and loves to play basketball, and football, and soccer. He has a fantastic arm may I add, so maybe we have a future quarterback on our hands. We will see! He loves music. He is a great singer, and he loves any music with a good beat! He likes to play guitars with his daddy. He loves super heros, dinosaurs, and monsters. It depends on the day which one is his favorite. He really loves star wars! We got him some light sabers for Christmas but he becomes a crazy person and I'm pretty sure really thinks he's darth Vader so....the light sabers are in the top of the closet for now.  Carson can talk up a storm. It is so cool, you can Pretty much have a normal conversation with him. He is a really smart boy! We are so blessed to have him. He is growing up so fast!! I'm excited to see what this year holds for our family. ❤

Count Your Many Blessings

My 26th birthday was Sunday. I think it was the first time I have experienced the "your an adult your birthday isn't the most important thing today" birthday. It was sad. Then to top it off Carson started throwing up and other lovely things, then Micah and I got sick, I miss my family, we are alone for thanks giving,I want another baby, and life is not what I would like it to be right now. As I sat feeling sorry for myself on the couch the other night this came into my mind:

 "when upon lifes billows you are tempest-tossed, when you are discouraged thinking all is lost, count your many blessings name them one by one, and it will surprise you what the lord has done. so amid the conflict whether great or small, do not be discouraged God is over all. Count your many blessing angels will attend. Help and comfort give you to your journey's end." 

My attitude totally changed. I felt stupid for being such a debbie downer even though i'm the only one who really knew I felt that way. Life is hard. But I feel like I spend too much time thinking about what I don't have rather than what I do have. I have wanted to move back by family pretty much since the day I moved to Washington. Oh silly me. If I have learned anything in the past 5 years it has been that my plan and the Lord's plan are very different. I might think I have a plan, but every time I make one it usually doesn't happen the way I think it should. I know his time is not my time, and that if I am happy with my right now, and count my many blessings life will be better, and better days will come by faithfully living happily now. I have had times where I've felt forgotten and unheard, Or that Heavenly Father didn't care what I wanted. But that is just not true. He loves me and wants me to be happy and I need to trust in his plan for me. I am grateful for my little family. I'm grateful for our home and food to eat, I'm thankful for a wonderful loving husband who works so hard for our family, I am so thankful for a knowledge of a loving Heavenly Father, because with out that I don't know where I would be in life. Today I forgot my little experience of remembering to count my blessings. I laid carson down for a nap and started in again. Thinking I don't know what we are supposed to be doing, or  where we are going, I felt stressed and unsettled. I said a quick prayer for comfort, and had a good cry for a few minutes. The same thought came to my mind. A little while later I saw a messaged David A Bednar shared on facebook. It said:

"A number of years ago, our family learned a meaningful lesson on gratitude that we have never forgotten.

While I was serving at Brigham Young University–Idaho, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles visited our home. Earlier in the day Sister Bednar and I had been informed about the unexpected death of a dear friend, and our immediate desire was to pray for the surviving spouse and children.

As I invited my wife to offer the prayer, the member of the Twelve, unaware of the tragedy, graciously suggested that in the prayer Sister Bednar express only appreciation for blessings received and ask for nothing.

Sister Bednar responded in faith to the direction she received. She thanked Heavenly Father for meaningful and memorable experiences with this dear friend. She communicated sincere gratitude for the Holy Ghost as the Comforter and for the gifts of the Spirit that enable us to face adversity and to serve others. Most importantly, she expressed appreciation for the plan of salvation, for the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ, for His Resurrection, and for the ordinances and covenants of the restored gospel which make it possible for families to be together forever.

Our family learned from that experience a great lesson about the power of thankfulness in meaningful prayer. Because of and through that prayer, our family was blessed with inspiration about a number of issues that were pressing upon our minds and stirring in our hearts.

The most meaningful and spiritual prayers I have experienced contained many expressions of thanks and few, if any, requests. Let me recommend that periodically you and I offer a prayer in which we only give thanks and express gratitude. Ask for nothing; simply let our souls rejoice and strive to communicate appreciation with all the energy of our hearts." 

I will leave it at that since I cant say anything much better than an apostle. I'm grateful for the peace and comfort that I am able to ask for and receive. I know I'm continually learning and will probably need to be reminded of this like 20 more times in the next year. But I know that if I continue to trust in the Lord's timing , and be grateful life will be just fine. 

random thoughts

It has been a while since I blogged last. Life is fun and crazy, and sometimes I forget to keep up on blogging. I love to blog because writing and music have always been my outlet. that is how i feel like i can express myself and get out the feelings that i need to in a healthy way. As a kid I remember always writing stories, and being excited for the writing tests in school. My plan was to become an English teacher some day, instead I went to hair school. I am glad I did hair school, it was a crazy time in my life and i did a lot of learning and growing. Some day I hope to go back to school and become either an English Teacher, or a Special Needs teacher.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about goals and who i am as a person. I feel like every once in a while I hit a point where I feel lost for a little while. I feel like I'm not progressing. That's when the anxiety hits and I spiral down into the pit of grumpiness and depression. I find myself being angry at myself. I have PCOS. And I know a lot of people have it. I understand it's not the end of the world. But I feel like it has majorly impacted who I am as a person. My whole life (until i found out what was wrong) I was always so confused about why I had so many emotions and was so passionate. Well my hormones were out of balance, and what i ate and the exercise I got was super important. Now as an adult it is still frustrating. I have emotions I want to control, and in certain situations, I feel a million different emotions inside, but the worst emotion is always the outward expression. I have facial hair which is extremely embarrassing to be the girl with the beard when i forget to constantly be waxing, tweezing, or nairing. (is that a word?) I hate that pizza (my favorite food) makes me really sick, and bloat as big as a blowfish. I hate that I am constantly tired, and battling anxiety and depression. I hate that I have to work 2 or 3 times harder than everyone else to lose weight. I ABSOLUTELY hate that it causes infertility. BUT. that is what I've been dealt. I can't change it, I can only deal with it, and try to make the best of my crazy (i'm literally crazy sometimes) life. GOALS have so much to do with this. I find myself having pity parties for myself quite often. Luckily I have an amazing husband who tries his best to understand this lame condition. He pushes me to eat healthy and pushes me to work out. We both fall off the wagon sometimes, but he helps me pick my pmsy self up and start again.

This Spring I lost 20 pounds. I was so proud of myself. I noticed a lot of my symptoms disappeared when I was taking care of my body the way I needed to. Life happened, and I found myself back where I started a few months later. I have been super disappointed the past few weeks thinking of where I could have been if I didn't get lazy, and put it on the back burner. My parents always taught me that quitting was not an option. I needed to follow through with my commitments. I decided I made a goal for myself that I was going to take charge of my health. I was going to control my pcos rather than letting it control me. So that is what I need to do I know I can do it, and I've done it before. I'm also making a goal for myself to write and blog more. It's an outlet, and believe me I NEED an outlet. It is so important that we take care of ourselves and make sure we do what we need to for ourselves so that we can do what we need to for others. My goal is to continue bettering myself so that I can better my family, and strengthen my relationships with friends and family members. Goals keep us progressing. Successful people set goals, and My goal is to be successful. :)

we have had a crazy summer. Micah has been working like a crazy person again, Carson and I have gone to Idaho for a few visits, and we got a much needed new car. On the upside, this summer has gone so fast. As a kid summers were my favorite, and it may be Micah's job  mixed with no a/c in our apartment, but these days I find myself dreading summer. We make it work and we have had a surprisingly fun summer. We had Micah's brother Jaron come stay with us for a little bit, and we had lots of fun. Carson loves his Uncle Jaron and keeps asking "where Jaron go?" Carson also got to meet his cousins Claire and Callie. HE LOVED THEM, and now keeps asking where they went. My conclusion: All of our family needs to move closer together. I was put in the Primary Presidency at church. I LOVE IT! I always told Micah I never wanted to be in Primary, but it is so much fun and I just love the kids to death. :) Micah is starting school again in a few weeks, and I am so proud of him! He is such a hard worker and now to add school on top of it. It will be rough on both of us, but I think in the end it will be worth it when he finishes!

Carson is almost 2!! He is seriously so cute, and i might be a little biased, but I feel like most people would agree with me on how cute he is! He is talking up a storm, instead of telling you what he can say, it would be easier to tell you what he CAN'T say. His little personality is so funny. I think he is going to be like his dad. I've notice he LOVES to get reactions out of people....which sounds a lot like his dad. He loves music, and dancing. Recently he realized he loves Iron Man. He thinks he loves Pooh Bear, he always wants to watch Pooh, but then I turn it on and he wants something different. He loves Foxes. I think because we told him he has a grandma Fox. But I think he actually thinks his grandma is a fox. ;) He loves to read books, and play ball. So far he loves basketball, football, and soccer. I'm pretty sure he does most things that almost 2 year olds do. and we are having a blast with him. Hopefully he can have a brother or sister to play with sometime soon.

The other night Micah and I were able to go o a date to the Temple. Sadly it is the first time we've been able to go to the Temple together since we have lived here. It was such a great experience and the perfect date night. I forgot how much I loved going with Micah. Lately I started taking some medicine that is supposed to help with my PCOS and Fertility problems. Before I started taking it, I had been feeling so sick, and icky. After I started taking this, I have felt 100% better. I am so excited and feel myself again! It is amazing!! Hopefully it can help with the fertility issues! I have been trying to simplify my life, and focusing more on making myself better for my family. It has been wonderful, and I feel a lot happier.

Family update

Life is a rollercoaster. That is a fact. The other day I was sitting on the couch thinking about trials I've had, and how I gotten through them. I realized every hard thing has brought me to something better, but it only stays better for a little while before something hard happens again. We are continually growing and progressing whether we want to or not, and I guess how much we grow and progress is up to us. We choose what we take from each experience and how much we grow. Honestly, I think too often I stop myself from growing a lot. Instead of wondering " how can this make me better? Or what can I learn from this?" I usually think "why is this happening to me? Or what did I do wrong?" I've come to learn recently I've done nothing wrong, and it's because Heavenly Father knows I can handle it, and trusts me to handle it, and if I do, the blessings and knowledge that come from it are great. 

Last week my parents came to visit! Which means we got to go out and have fun! We went to the grotto, and we drove to lake quinault! Seriously so pretty! Our little family has been really busy lately. It is busy season for Micah at work, so life is lonely and boring most days. And hot! I guess us Idaho people are spoiled with A/C because it was important for them to put in most apartments. The past few days have been nasty. 92 degrees in humid climate with no air conditioning is not a fun time. When our lease is up I will move somewhere with a/c.

CARSON update!!

He is growing up too fast! I keep buying him new church pants and within a month they are high waters! Maybe he will not grow out of the next size so fast! Fingers crossed. He is learning new words like crazy and is a chatter box. His favorite question is where daddy go? And favorite phrase is I see you mama! He loves boots! Hazel his cousin has rain boots and every time she wears them to our house the end up on his feet. I bought him boots to wear to church, and he brings them to me all the time and says my boots pease! He loves his boots! He loves walking down the stairs at our apartment, he gets pretty upset if we don't let him. He loves dogs and pretty much every kind of animal probably more than me, which is a lot! He loves swimming a lot! Last week he learned to jump in the pool. (Oh no!!) he loves pizza and grapes right now. He is like his daddy! 

My feet, Kira's feet, moms feet, and carsons feet on the labyrinth at the grotto.

Carson next to the largest spruce tree in the world. 58' 11" in circumference and 191' tall

Carson had some ice creAm while we hiked up to the top of multnomah falls. A white shirt wasn't the best idea. 

We live in a beautiful world

We live in such a beautiful world! This weekend we took Jaron to a few of our favorite places. When we went to cannon beach it was pouring down rain. That did not stop little c. He had his rain coat on and was ready to go! We had to keep stopping him from running into the piles of blue jelly fish on the beach. I'm sure he would have probably been ok, but it still made me nervous. If he wasn't running to the jelly fish, it was towards the water at turbo speed. We made it from mo's to haystack rock with Carson walking, which seemed like a miracle that took forever. I looked away at something for a few seconds and heard Carson no! I looked back and saw Micah and Jaron chasing in the water after Carson. I was terrified for a split second because there was a pretty big wave going towards him, but luckily they got to him in time. My heart was full and grateful watching my cute family walking back towards me grumpy and wet. The boys were all complaining about their wet shoes for. Few minutes but then decided we needed to help Carson not feel miserable. We all sang him baby beluga the few miles back to the car. As Carson laid his head on my shoulder and relaxed and started to sing along I looked around and was in awe at how beautiful our world is, and how beautiful and wonderful families are, and how grateful I am for mine. I'm so luckily to live in a place with such beautiful surroundings. 

General conference

Holy moly general conference! I have never come away more uplifted and enlightened. I had been praying about several things and recieved lots of answers! I have always been a firm believer in what you take into it, you get that much or more out of it. I definitely got more! Today I even re read the talk by president monson on temples. I loved it. The other night we took Carson to the temple and walked around with family. A temple worker approached us and encouraged us to take the kids into the garden area inside the temple. I was a little hesitant going into the temple in my sweats and nikes. As I entered the indoor garden area, I felt an overwhelming love from my Heavenly Father. A love and comfort I had been needing lately. A reassurance that I'm going to be ok, and that I'm a daughter of God. Tonight as I read the talk by president monson, the same feelings came rushing back. I decided I need to make the temple a bigger priority in my life. I need to be reminded of who I am. I'm so grateful for general conference! I'm so grateful for inspired leaders who know exactly what we all need to hear. Here are some of my favorite quotes: 

Having gratitude

look at this handsome guy! How could I not be grateful for this goofball. Carson decided to put on his daddies glasses at hat, and thought he was the coolest guy around. I love him and am so grateful for him. Part of the reason I started my weightloss this year is so I could be a better mom to him, and so I could have another baby! I have been able to be a better mom and it has been amazing. The baby part hasn't happened for me. I know you're probably thinking it's only March, give it time. It's hard. When you're trying and it's not happening , time means thinking about why it's not working, beating yourself up, and feeling sad. At least for me anyway. I feel guilty sometimes for feeling sad I can't get pregnant on my first try. I feel guilt that maybe I'm not grateful for the amazing child I do have! I feel bad because some people have tried for years and haven't even had one. I've been angry because I want good things for my family, I want my husband to finish school, I want to spend time with him, I want to live in a nice/safe place, I want more children, and I want things to flow the way I think they should. And the things I want are good, and I've been living the way I should, so why aren't they happening? 

On Saturday was women's conference, and there were talks I really needed to hear, because I've been angry and frustrated at life lately. I've felt like I'm doing the things I should but I'm not getting my way. I've felt angry, lonely, frustrated, and felt like a failure. But I realized, it isn't always on my time table, and there is a bigger picture, and a plan for me. I just need to be grateful for what I do have, even if it isn't exactly what I want right now. Which is hard, and I'm working on the attitude thing this year remember?!? Sister oscarson said, "Heavenly Father has a mission and a plan for each of us, but he also has his own time table."  She also said "one of the hardest challenges in this life is to have faith in the Lord's timing." It was so funny because right before I turned on conference I was whining to Micah about these things. Then president eyering said "only God knows hearts,and so only He can say in -truth, 'I know how you feel.'" After conference I was a little less angry for living somewhere I don't want to live, and not getting my way. ( I promise I'm not a spoiled brat, even though that sentance kind of sounds like it) I'm heart was filled with gratitude for the things I do have. I'm grateful for the time I do get to see my husband, and I'm grateful for my chubby little hulk baby. I'm trying to be grateful for our tiny apartment, but hey would could live in a box on the corner right? I'm grateful I have things like women's conference that keep me in check and remind me that I need to stop having a pity party and that my Heavenly Father has a plan for me, and that I need to trust in that plan, and trust in his timing. 

Spring time!!!

One thing I love more than anything is spring! I love the feeling, I love the weather, and all the beautiful colors. Vancouver doesn't disappoint. I have been in heaven with their unusual sunny days! I used to love the rain, but since moving here I decided I love the sun a little bit more. I need it, or else I'm a gloomy person. Last week Micah had a day off, I was so excited! We packed up the car and went to vancouver lake. We walked a few miles and then laid on the beach in the sun while Carson played in the sand. It was so peaceful, and beautiful. I felt like I was in our own temporary little heaven, everything was perfect for that moment. Then Carson realized there was water and so I stripped him down and let him splash away. It is days like that, that have really helped me living here. It has been so hard being away from family, and feeling like I never see my husband. I've had some dark and bitter days missing my big town house, and my friends and family. But being when I do get to spend time with my family I feel like I'm right where I'm supposed to be.

Update on little c!!!

Carson is growing like a weed!! He loves water, and playing basketball. I recently got him a rocking horse, and he really loves that too. His favorite meal is spaghetti! I must be raising him right ;) he has been sleeping in his own bed for almost a month straight!! We are so proud of him! Carson loves to go on walks with me which has helped me in my weightloss!! He loves to sing and dance, and he loves to talk!!! This kid will talk your ear off! I took him to nursery a few weeks early and the first week he survived half of it with out me, the second Sunday he was not having it. So we will see how he does in the next few weeks! His current favorite movie is frozen.  Hopefully he moves on quick because it's driving me crazy. It is cute when starts singing dooooooor! In public or gooooooo! But I'm not sure other people think that!! I love this guy❤️❤️❤️