you know when absoluetely everything goes wrong, and you think the worst has happened....and then something worse happens? that has been me the past few weeks. it seems like the world hated us and we couldnt get anything right in any aspect of our lives. micah didnt have a lot of work, bills started to pile up, baby got sick, family drama, i was fat, ect. i have been struggling to lose my pregnancy weight. i love food more than the next guy, and when im stressed i eat. now my current self would wallow in my sorrows by eating my days away but the other day something hit me. i cant change my family, i cany get rid of our bills (right away anyway), i cant magically make my baby stop screaming, i cant make the hospital not send me to collections for not paying $850 a month. i just cant. blessings always come after trials right??? i will tell you last weekend i lost it. i sat in carsons rocking chair and sobbed for a few hours while he napped. i felt helpless and a huge failure. i was a loser who was tired and couldnt seem to pay my huge hospital bill. how could i? i didnt understand why they were being jerks and didnt understand i couldnt pay 850 a month....thats not even realistic. i cried and cried and then texted my oldest sister. she is a lot like me...so i know when i freak out she has probably freaked out over the same thing or something similar. she is someone who has had a lot of hard things happen and she is one of the greatest people i know. she helped me understand that everything was going to be ok. in our way...she knew just what to say!
i can make my fat go away, and i can
change my attitude. when everything goes wrong, its hard. but on monday i realized i want my old self back. i want to be the fastest runner, the best in shape, i want to be able to play a whole soccer game that goes into overtime and ends in a shootout and not be tired afterwards. i want to run up the mountain when we go hiking. i want to be able to teach my child how important it is to have a healthy happy lifestyle. i hate being negative its gross and dirty, fills our minds with crap, and makes us grumpy and hate people.
after all of this i have been cooking healthier...making sure i exercise every day...read my scriptures...daily prayer. all the things ive been slacking in. i took a few selfish days...and took care of me and my family. i feel 100% better. i feel happier...skinnier...even tho this week ive only lost 4 pounds.. thats still great. i feel like even though things are hard i can do it. i have a wonderful husband who takes care of our family. i have a great family who loves me and is always willing to help me. i have loving heavenly father who knows exactly what im going thru and loves me and blesses me. i know everything is going to work out. and that i will be able to achieve my goal to be my old active fun self. if i keep working on myself daily and not sweat the little things.
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