pcos and pregnancy

i havent really talked about my pregnancy, and struggles with pcos. in march of 2012 i had a miscarriage. it was awful, and not the best experience. i told the doctor to check if i had pcos. my sister had it, and my mom had it. he told me i was too young for it. and didnt check. in june i saw a different doctor because we really wanted a baby. he ran the tests to see if my levels were high enough for meds. i was a number short. i did however have cysts all over my ovaries. he put me on a low dose of birth control, he said it could help me get pregnant. in august of 2012 i was told if i wanted a baby i would have to do hormone treatments costing $3000 a month. i felt so defeated and worthless. my whole point on earth was to have kids and a family. that is my divine destiny, and i couldnt even fulfill it. i was a little depressed and that my husband would hate me. i thought i was being punished for my past mistakes. turns out its just genetics.

i remember going to the temple with family and micahs aunt hugging me and telling me she knew id be a mom someday. not knowing anything about what was going on. i sobbed because that is all i wanted was to be a mom. i fell into a depression, couldnt keep a job because i couldnt get out of bed. to say the least, micah and i had a really hard winter.

i finally got a job at gemtek, it felt like i was surrounded by family all day. everyone cared about me and i got to be witj micah and was constantly around people letting me know i was awesome. kind of what i needed at the time.  i remember in my interview i told the owners i had a defect and wouldnt get pregnant. so they could count on me.

in febuary of 2013 i started feeling sick. i was dizzy and everything made me nautious. not wanting to take a pregnancy test i just assumed i had the flu. i started feeling a little better so i went back to work. people kept asking if i was preggers, but i did not want to take yet another negative test. or having a miscarriage again. at mutual i felt so dizzy and when i got home i literally passed out while getting ready for bed. the next day i took a pregnancy test at lunch. it was instantly positive. i had a small dance party in the bathroom and then sat down and cried. i was overjoyed, terrified, and nervous all at the same time. at that point i called the hospital and bugged them until they could get me in. i was NOT going to have another miscarriage.

when i went to the doctor he told me he was pretty sure this one was going to stick. we were so thrilled. the first part of my pregnancy went pretty great. i had normal sickness but then somewhere around july i started swelling really bad. from there things got bad. my hands went numb for the rest of my pregnancy. my legs and feet swelled but at first if i elevated them it helped. by september it didnt matter what i did my swelling never went down. it was.miserable. i had to quit working and was on bed rest. when i went into labor i had gained 40 pounds of water weight.  yuck. my labor was hard. i pushed for 4 hours and my blood pressure was out of control. but after it was awesome.

so i am 5 months postpartum. at 3 months i had out of control cysts. i stayed in bed because it hurt really bad. which lead to more depression. i am working on all this weird depression stuff and hoping my nasty painful cysts go away. i have been terrified i wont ever be able to jave kids again. i know i probably will but its still a scary thought that crosses my mind. i love being a mom. staying home has been a huge change. but my baby carson has been the sunshine i needed to get thru everything. he is what gets me out of bed in the mornimg. being a mom is the best experience in the world. even if i am not able to have kids again. i know i have this wonderful spirit in my home. im so greatful for families and thay we will be able to be together forever.