Over the past year I've struggled. I can't put my finger on one thing, or pin point a day or event that started my struggle, slowly over time I lost myself. This summer my husband worked long hours and we barely saw each other. The hardest thing about that was, we relocated our family and I knew no one, we had no money, and I was stuck in my tiny apartment all day. We didn't have money to pay for a babysitter. I never had breaks, I felt like I was going insane. This was a huge change for me. Before little C I worked full time, and had a busy calling at church. I was in the Young Women's program at church which I'm sure I needed more than the girls. Those girls made me feel so special, and I loved feeling like I was making a difference in their lives. When we moved here I felt like I had nothing. I received a calling at church and participated in activities, but no one seemed to show an interest in me. I watched other people move in to our ward and instantly have friends and involved. I was trying so hard and so I started trying to figure out what was wrong with me. As most women do I got really critical of myself. I struggle with pcos, and weight loss after little C was hard. I was bigger than I would like to be and I worked my butt off with not great results. I was convinced that people didn't want to be my friend because I was fat and frumpy. (Which I found out later....was true for some people...but don't get me started on that) from there I just kept finding things wrong with myself. I sat home sad and depressed for most of 2014. I prayed and prayed someone would reach out, I prayed for visiting teachers. In Idaho my visiting teachers seriously called me every time I felt awful, they didn't know what a blessing they were to me. I didn't realize what a blessing they were to me, until I didn't have them anymore. I found my self feeling more and more alone. There were days I was tempted to pack my bags and move back to Idaho and tell Micah he had to follow. I hated Vancouver and I decided I was done trying. In September I had a miscarriage. I was devastated. I didn't want to tell anyone because I was so angry and sad. I thought to myself that no one would care. So I let myself become more and more angry. Finally I had a good talk with my mom. She told me I needed to talk with my bishop, so I made an appointment. I expressed to him my struggle. I told him I felt so alone, and I couldn't stand living here. I found out I wasn't the only person who felt this way, there were lots of women in our ward that felt the way I did. He challenged me to reach out to people and to try a little harder. At the time I thought ok that's simple enough. After a while of trying I became angry again. I thought, I have prayed and prayed for someone, anyone to show interest in me and I wanted to know I was cared about and loved. I was so frustrated because I saw people reaching out to others but not to me. I thought do I need to go inactive for people to care about me?? What am I doing wrong?? Why isn't Heavenly Father answering my prayers?? I finally asked my wonderful sweetheart to give me a blessing, and again I heard the same thing, that I needed to reach out.

When I finally stared to reach out, my attitude changed and things started getting better. Every once in a while I still get angry, because people still don't seem to care, but I have been trying and I know I'm doing what my Heavenly Father has asked. I am learning more about who I am as a person, and growing spiritually through this experience. I still don't like Vancouver and would like to get back to my peaceful little hick town, where I have friends and family. Someday we will be there, and I try to remember every day I feel the struggle that I'm being prepared for something bigger and better. I have a wonderful husband who loves more to the moon, and changed his diet to cater to my crazy hormones and woman parts. Hoping to get my body healthy and ready to have more children. I'm lucky that he loves me so much and works so hard to make me happy. He really is my best friend. I married an amazing person and I am eternally grateful for his sweet spirit in my life. I made goals for this year, and one is to stay positive. If I stay positive my struggle will lessen every day, and hopefully will grow to love this place.