Sunday, September 3, 2017


How do we begin to heal? It's a long process that sometimes seems like it will never end. In a way it doesn't. Life is full of trails that we are constantly overcoming. But some wounds are deeper than others. Some seem as though they wont ever heal. I've had experiences in my life that seemed so dramatic and surreal that my life felt like a movie. I've overcome physical weakness, emotional weakness, and social weaknesses. The most amazing part of it is how I got through it and came out a stronger better person. The past 8 months I've been hiding. I've been hiding in a dark cave of self pity, anxiety, and hate. I hate to admit that. I hate to admit that I let something like that take over and run my life. It's hard when people shut you out and don't let you express your feelings. It's hard when someone assassinates your character and leaves you defenseless and exposed. How do you separate yourself from those people who constantly tear you down and make you feel weak? Its' hard, especially when it is those who are closest to you. As humans we expect a lot from people. We like to be right and have things go our way. There are some people who like to manipulate and control situations by making people feel guilty. They threaten, tear down, and shut out in order to prove a point. This isn't healthy, and in my opinion is abusive. I've been working on forgiving and healing but it's hard. Its hard to find an open space in my heart to forgive when someone doesn't believe they are in the wrong. It's hard to give give give and have someone think you've never gave anything. Its hard to offer unconditional love and hospitality and for that to not be enough. It's hard to work hard on building a relationship and have it torn to pieces in an instant. I know and understand that there are always difficult people. Sometimes I feel like I am one. I am a firecracker and like to make sure my voice is heard. I have had to face those consequences my whole life, but once I learned to control the "fire" it has benefited my life so much. What happens when those people take away your voice? do you let them? Do you surrender something that defines who you are to make 2 or 3 people happy? I can't. I know who I am, and I love who I am. I love who I have fought to become. All of my trails have shaped who I am. I worked hard to become the person I am today. So today I'm picking up the pieces that have shattered over this past year. I'm slowly working on forgiving and moving on. I can't let a few bitter unhappy people define me and make me bitter and unhappy. As humans we were divinely designed to be happy. Heavenly Father has a plan for us and part of that plan is happiness. I have a beautiful little family, and wonderful hard working husband who loves me, and a handsome little boy who is a blessing beyond measure.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

This boy. 
He is the light of our life. I can't really remember what life was like before he joined our family. I think life must have been pretty bland. I've decided parenting is like a choose your own adventure book, but we aren't the ones choosing the adventures. We are the ones holding on tight making sure we all survive through the day. My whole entire life I dreamed of being a mom. I wanted to have lots of babies and stay home and be their super awesome mommy. One thing i for sure didn't plan on was the heartbreaking trail of infertility. I think one thing that makes this little boy so special to us is all the prayers and love that brought him here. Now he is almost 4 and every single night he prays for a sister and a dog. Some nights it breaks my mamma heart, and some nights it brings so much peace to my soul that he has such great faith and patience, that he continues to pray for it every single night. Some days I wish that I could have the faith, love, and understanding of my 3 year old. He forgives in an instant, loves without hesitation, and has a faith that is beyond my comprehension. I'm not sure how I lucked out and was chosen to be his mom, but my heart is eternally grateful that I did. 

I haven't been blogging for the past year. Part of me got lazy, and part of me just felt like my whole blog would be a list of complaints. Last year Micah got a great job, lost that job, we started to buy a house and then had to back out because said job was lost, he found a fantastic job and things were going great and then a few dramatic things happened around Christmas, I got into a terrible wreck, and my anxiety spiraled out of control. I think we have moved out of the splash zone for a while and have had pretty normal lives the past few months. Although life is in no way perfect, I feel like the growth we have made as a family in the past year is tremendous. We are never prepared for the trails and hardships that we go through, but one thing I have learned is to rely on my Heavenly Father for strength and comfort. Life is so beautifully amazing and I plan on enjoying every single second of it and embracing the changes and trails that come our way.  

Monday, July 25, 2016

Family Update

It's been a while since I blogged. It has been a crazy year for our family. Micah took a new job that would move us to Utah, and we decided to buy a house. 2 days before we closed on the house Micah was called in for a meeting at his work and found out they wouldn't have enough work for him. So Micah lost his job and we weren't able to close on our house. Since that day we have received so many blessings. Micah was able to find an amazing job within a week. We found the perfect house to rent for our family only 3 miles away from his office. But honestly, that week Micah didn't have a job was really hard. It was scary that something that seemed so secure and legitimate could just end so quickly. We went to the temple a lot that week, and said probably a million prayers. I really feel that we were directed where we needed to be. I'm so excited to be living in Boise. We absolutely love being close to friends and family. Micah is LOVING his new job! He loves the people he works with and is overall a lot happier now with his employment than I've seen in a long time. Carson and I love the area we live in! We are like .4 miles from a park that has walking paths and lots of open room to run, and of course super awesome toys! Carson loves his new house! He tells me like 10 times a day. He has had some behavior issues since we moved but I think that's pretty normal. His favorite time of day is his evening pool time. He loves to play Star Wars, tell outrageous stories, play with his friends, build with Legos, sing to every song on the radio, play hide and seek with daddy, and go for walks with mommy. His favorite food is anything with noodles, and orange chicken. His favorite color used to be green but when we played candy land the other day he told me it was red. He still loves to wear his boots because he thinks he is a superhero when he wears them. I am seriously so grateful for my little family! I have been working hard on getting my body back into shape so I can hopefully get pregnant (and have it stick) again with in the next year. Carson keeps begging for a sister, so I guess we hope if it happens it's a girl! Haha! So I am working really hard for good things to happen!


Tuesday, May 17, 2016


We have been living in Idaho for almost 3 months now! What?? Yes, we had quite the change for our little family. Micah had been considering a job for quite some time, and finally took the opportunity. We are living with my parents in Idaho for now while we are in the process of buying our families first home! Buying a house is pretty stressful! I absolutely love our realtor! She has helped us so much and gone above and beyond what I'm sure normal realtors do! But I think I'll be stressed until we actually close on our house!! Life this year has seemed to move so quickly! I feel like it was just January!! And here we are halfway through May!! This is seriously my favorite time of year because I love being outdoors! Idaho has given us some beautiful weather while we have been here! Carson absolutely LOVES being outside! He will do anything to go play in the back yard! Good thing the house we are buying has a big back yard and play structure! Last night we went out and walked at lake Lowell with Micah's mom and Carson was running as fast as he could and yelled, "this is wonderful!!" He is the funniest kid i know and sometimes wonder where he comes up with some of the stuff he says! He loves to talk, and surprise! Go to nursery! He can sing all  3 verses of I Am A Child of God, he knows his ABC's and can count to 10. We have been working on writing letters and numbers but he is kind of a stubborn kid! His favorite color is green like Luke's light saber, and his favorite movie is ghostbusters. His favorite shape is a diamond square, which means he can't decide if it's a diamond or a square!! I seriously love this kid even though sometimes he drives me completely crazy! I am so lucky to have my little family! 

Tuesday, January 12, 2016


I can't believe it is already 2016!! 2015 was a blur for me, but it was a wonderful year! We got to visit family, and family came to visit us. We had lots of fun and we learned a lot. 2015 was definitely a learning and growing year for our family and myself. We wanted to better ourselves and looking back we did, which makes looking forward so much more exciting. Growing isn't always easy or fun though. We had some rough patches but those are usually what gets us through to the good stuff right? I learned a lot about myself last year. I learned I'm a lot stronger than I think, and I can do anything I put my mind to. I learned a lot about my health, and what I need to do to take control of my PCOS. It's not something I can do on my own, and I definitely need a lot of support from family and friends. This year I'm not going to give up when I don't reach my goals right away. I realized I can be fat and depressed, or happy and hopeful. I'm choosing happy and hopeful for 2016. Last year President Utchdorf gave a talk called, " A Summer with Great Aunt Rose." it was an amazing talk. This paragraph particularly stuck out to me.
 "I didn’t want my forever to be composed of dark and fearful ‘Nows.’ And I didn’t want to live in the gloom of a bunker, gritting my teeth, closing my eyes, and resentfully enduring to the bitter end. Faith gave me the hope I needed to live joyfully now!”
I choose joy this year. I choose to have faith and hope that things will work out for our family. I have hope that I will be able to have more kids, and that I will eventually get to live closer to family again. Even though I have super hard days I can choose to find joy and serve those around me who may be having just as hard of time as I am. I know that the power of prayer is real. Last year I experienced so much comfort and blessings from relying on my Heavenly Father. My prayers may not have been answered how I thought they should be, but he really did know what I needed more than I did.
Update on Carson:
Carson is the big 2! He is so active now and loves to play basketball, and football, and soccer. He has a fantastic arm may I add, so maybe we have a future quarterback on our hands. We will see! He loves music. He is a great singer, and he loves any music with a good beat! He likes to play guitars with his daddy. He loves super heros, dinosaurs, and monsters. It depends on the day which one is his favorite. He really loves star wars! We got him some light sabers for Christmas but he becomes a crazy person and I'm pretty sure really thinks he's darth Vader so....the light sabers are in the top of the closet for now.  Carson can talk up a storm. It is so cool, you can Pretty much have a normal conversation with him. He is a really smart boy! We are so blessed to have him. He is growing up so fast!! I'm excited to see what this year holds for our family. ❤

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Count Your Many Blessings

My 26th birthday was Sunday. I think it was the first time I have experienced the "your an adult your birthday isn't the most important thing today" birthday. It was sad. Then to top it off Carson started throwing up and other lovely things, then Micah and I got sick, I miss my family, we are alone for thanks giving,I want another baby, and life is not what I would like it to be right now. As I sat feeling sorry for myself on the couch the other night this came into my mind:

 "when upon lifes billows you are tempest-tossed, when you are discouraged thinking all is lost, count your many blessings name them one by one, and it will surprise you what the lord has done. so amid the conflict whether great or small, do not be discouraged God is over all. Count your many blessing angels will attend. Help and comfort give you to your journey's end." 

My attitude totally changed. I felt stupid for being such a debbie downer even though i'm the only one who really knew I felt that way. Life is hard. But I feel like I spend too much time thinking about what I don't have rather than what I do have. I have wanted to move back by family pretty much since the day I moved to Washington. Oh silly me. If I have learned anything in the past 5 years it has been that my plan and the Lord's plan are very different. I might think I have a plan, but every time I make one it usually doesn't happen the way I think it should. I know his time is not my time, and that if I am happy with my right now, and count my many blessings life will be better, and better days will come by faithfully living happily now. I have had times where I've felt forgotten and unheard, Or that Heavenly Father didn't care what I wanted. But that is just not true. He loves me and wants me to be happy and I need to trust in his plan for me. I am grateful for my little family. I'm grateful for our home and food to eat, I'm thankful for a wonderful loving husband who works so hard for our family, I am so thankful for a knowledge of a loving Heavenly Father, because with out that I don't know where I would be in life. Today I forgot my little experience of remembering to count my blessings. I laid carson down for a nap and started in again. Thinking I don't know what we are supposed to be doing, or  where we are going, I felt stressed and unsettled. I said a quick prayer for comfort, and had a good cry for a few minutes. The same thought came to my mind. A little while later I saw a messaged David A Bednar shared on facebook. It said:

"A number of years ago, our family learned a meaningful lesson on gratitude that we have never forgotten.
While I was serving at Brigham Young University–Idaho, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles visited our home. Earlier in the day Sister Bednar and I had been informed about the unexpected death of a dear friend, and our immediate desire was to pray for the surviving spouse and children.
As I invited my wife to offer the prayer, the member of the Twelve, unaware of the tragedy, graciously suggested that in the prayer Sister Bednar express only appreciation for blessings received and ask for nothing.
Sister Bednar responded in faith to the direction she received. She thanked Heavenly Father for meaningful and memorable experiences with this dear friend. She communicated sincere gratitude for the Holy Ghost as the Comforter and for the gifts of the Spirit that enable us to face adversity and to serve others. Most importantly, she expressed appreciation for the plan of salvation, for the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ, for His Resurrection, and for the ordinances and covenants of the restored gospel which make it possible for families to be together forever.
Our family learned from that experience a great lesson about the power of thankfulness in meaningful prayer. Because of and through that prayer, our family was blessed with inspiration about a number of issues that were pressing upon our minds and stirring in our hearts.
The most meaningful and spiritual prayers I have experienced contained many expressions of thanks and few, if any, requests. Let me recommend that periodically you and I offer a prayer in which we only give thanks and express gratitude. Ask for nothing; simply let our souls rejoice and strive to communicate appreciation with all the energy of our hearts." 

I will leave it at that since I cant say anything much better than an apostle. I'm grateful for the peace and comfort that I am able to ask for and receive. I know I'm continually learning and will probably need to be reminded of this like 20 more times in the next year. But I know that if I continue to trust in the Lord's timing , and be grateful life will be just fine. 

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

random thoughts

It has been a while since I blogged last. Life is fun and crazy, and sometimes I forget to keep up on blogging. I love to blog because writing and music have always been my outlet. that is how i feel like i can express myself and get out the feelings that i need to in a healthy way. As a kid I remember always writing stories, and being excited for the writing tests in school. My plan was to become an English teacher some day, instead I went to hair school. I am glad I did hair school, it was a crazy time in my life and i did a lot of learning and growing. Some day I hope to go back to school and become either an English Teacher, or a Special Needs teacher.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about goals and who i am as a person. I feel like every once in a while I hit a point where I feel lost for a little while. I feel like I'm not progressing. That's when the anxiety hits and I spiral down into the pit of grumpiness and depression. I find myself being angry at myself. I have PCOS. And I know a lot of people have it. I understand it's not the end of the world. But I feel like it has majorly impacted who I am as a person. My whole life (until i found out what was wrong) I was always so confused about why I had so many emotions and was so passionate. Well my hormones were out of balance, and what i ate and the exercise I got was super important. Now as an adult it is still frustrating. I have emotions I want to control, and in certain situations, I feel a million different emotions inside, but the worst emotion is always the outward expression. I have facial hair which is extremely embarrassing to be the girl with the beard when i forget to constantly be waxing, tweezing, or nairing. (is that a word?) I hate that pizza (my favorite food) makes me really sick, and bloat as big as a blowfish. I hate that I am constantly tired, and battling anxiety and depression. I hate that I have to work 2 or 3 times harder than everyone else to lose weight. I ABSOLUTELY hate that it causes infertility. BUT. that is what I've been dealt. I can't change it, I can only deal with it, and try to make the best of my crazy (i'm literally crazy sometimes) life. GOALS have so much to do with this. I find myself having pity parties for myself quite often. Luckily I have an amazing husband who tries his best to understand this lame condition. He pushes me to eat healthy and pushes me to work out. We both fall off the wagon sometimes, but he helps me pick my pmsy self up and start again.

This Spring I lost 20 pounds. I was so proud of myself. I noticed a lot of my symptoms disappeared when I was taking care of my body the way I needed to. Life happened, and I found myself back where I started a few months later. I have been super disappointed the past few weeks thinking of where I could have been if I didn't get lazy, and put it on the back burner. My parents always taught me that quitting was not an option. I needed to follow through with my commitments. I decided I made a goal for myself that I was going to take charge of my health. I was going to control my pcos rather than letting it control me. So that is what I need to do I know I can do it, and I've done it before. I'm also making a goal for myself to write and blog more. It's an outlet, and believe me I NEED an outlet. It is so important that we take care of ourselves and make sure we do what we need to for ourselves so that we can do what we need to for others. My goal is to continue bettering myself so that I can better my family, and strengthen my relationships with friends and family members. Goals keep us progressing. Successful people set goals, and My goal is to be successful. :)